As has been discussed, a lot of the Lavasnow community is just like everyone else, you know, people know don’t read blogs. So like regular people we sometimes have trouble not being fat. Generally this doesn’t bother us. But what we want most in the world is not to stand out, so sometimes it’s necessary to put on the old spare tire and the third chin. We cannot afford to diet and lose weight, look good, feel good, have more energy and toss out our clothes with the plastic waistbands. if we did, We would stand out like skinny people, or as much as they can stand out, being so skinny and all. Plus, we miss chocolate milkshakes, pizza, and pie like old friends. When the urge to shave off a few pounds hits, here are some ways we can avoid it. Also, see chart below if you don’t want to spend the time reading when you can be eating.
Sneaking food – Ah yes. Many dieters enlist their families or spouses in their crusades to lose fat. You can get around this by hiding food. I tried hiding food in my fridge, but it was so easily detected. I tried hiding it outside in our backyard but it was either a lemur or kitten that smelt my twinkies and left nothing but the plastic wrap. It probably wasn’t kittens though, they are too cute to do something like that. I did have some success hiding slices of meat between pages of the seven diet books we own but the best place to hide food was inside me. Just pull off the wrapper, microwave, remove the stick and eat quickly. Be sure to wipe your mouth soon after and maybe chew it all to get rid of the evidence. No one will be the wiser, it’ll be our little secret.
Drive instead of walking – There is no distance too short that it can’t be driven shorter. Besides, it’s much easier to eat and drink while driving than walking. Your car has cup holders right? Does you body? I mean besides your hands. Pretty obvious then. More to the point, your car has an 8-track player, it’s got a gun rack, it’s got bumper stickers, it’s got stains only you know how they were made. Compare that with walking. I’ll do the math for you: car 18, walking 0. It might be a nice day out, so roll down your windows and hang your smoke out the driver’s side window. Yeah, you’re cool. We cool. Honk! Honk!
Smoking – as mentioned, if you’re cooling, you’re smoking. What smoking does for the person trying to gain wait is demonstrate that we just don’t care. If you want to spend a few hours each day inhaling the stuff that people run screaming from buildings to avoid, then you can easily not care about what you eat. Alcohol goes nicely with smoking and it too can help you achieve your target apathy.
Eat the wrong things – I’ve got two words for you: Awesome Blossom from the Outbacks. Not only is it loaded with calories, it’s almost impossible to share and has no nutritional value. Other way to protect yourself from weight loss is to avoid fruits and vegetables, top your meat with meat, or sneak a little meat into your meatballs. Then there is cheese. but the wonders of cheese are outside of the scope of this post. I’ll create another post about cheese, but leave you with this: it’s not just for pizza anymore.
Eat to solve emotional problems – you’d think this one would be obvious but lots of people don’t give into the sickening fright that is their future or the turmoil in their relationships and just don’t binge. Eat people, eat! If you are unhappy, that is nature’s way of telling you to have more food. Besides, you deserve it, You went to work today or just woke up. That’s a good enough reason to indulge.
Cause everyone else is doing it - take a look around. no, better yet, drive around. You can’t swing a dead cat without knocking over a hamburger stand or a hotdog cart. That tells you something. Food is the new black of 2008. It comes in all the colors of the rainbow, even blue, and in sizes ranging from a grain of rice to a water buffalo. Get on the food bandwagon now, because it’ll drop you off in heaven.
Bon apetite!
That’s all for now. Do you have a job for me?
